Seeing that you’ve made important changes in your life is joyful and exciting.  But do you ever find yourself worrying that your positive changes might just be temporary and you’ll fall back into your old ways?

Me, too. 

And it is one of the most common things I hear my clients say when we are celebrating their growth and achievements.  When they share their new insights and progress they are excited and happy, but then they pause and say something like, “Now hopefully I won’t mess this up.” 

When I hear people say this, I always want to stop and process through it.  On the one hand, I think it is healthy to know ourselves and realize we may need to perform some regular emotional or spiritual “maintenance” to continue our progress.  But, on the other hand, worrying too much about the possibility that we might regress or make a mistake can be discouraging and counterproductive. 

Here are a few ideas that can help you “hold on” to your positive changes and moderate your worries:

Trust that you have new learning and new tools. 
The changes you’ve made did not just happen randomly.  You put in the effort and called on your capacities to make the changes.  When we make progress, it is very important to take the time to reflect on how we’ve changed and what contributed to that change.  This way we can consciously call on our newly-developed learning and tools whenever we need them in the future.  Questions you can ask yourself to help with this include: 

What has shifted inside me?

What did I do that helped this happen?

What have I learned about myself?

How can I support myself to continue this progress?

 

Create the time and space to regularly reflect on your growth. 
Life can be very busy and when we feel stressed it is easy to fall back on our old patterns and forget to focus on what is most important to us.  Cultivating a practice of checking in with yourself to see how you are doing can be very helpful.  Questions you can ask yourself to help with this include: 

How am I doing in regard to my goals?

What is most important to me right now?

What do I need right now to help me be the person I want to be?

 

Call on others for accountability and support. 
It can be very helpful to share what we are working on with one or two people we trust.   When we feel discouraged or wonder how we are doing, we can process through our thoughts and emotions with them.  Sometimes getting another person’s perspective gives us new insights.  And getting encouragement from those we care about can provide powerful motivation to continue with our forward progress.



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Many of the clients I work with struggle with judging their own emotions.  People often come to my practice with feelings of hurt, anger, sadness, or confusion.  They wonder why they can’t get past these emotions and often tell me they feel that they are weak or that something must be wrong with them.  This self-judgment of their own emotions keeps them feeling stuck and doubting their own worth.

One of the first things we work on is re-learning how to think about emotions.  Emotions in themselves are not good or bad.  They are simply important information.  When we can look at our emotions, and get curious about why we are feeling them and what their message is for us, we can work through the emotions and have meaningful lives.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this while raising my son.  I want him to know that his emotions are gifts and it is safe to express his emotions with his family.  I want him to learn to listen to his emotions and discover why he feels the way he does.  I want him to learn that he can choose how to act; that his emotions do not dictate his actions, but they can help him make wise choices that are in line with his values.

I recently found a series of books by Marcia Leonard that are helping my son learn about emotions. The books help children learn that emotions come and go (they are not permanent), and that there are things we can do to help ourselves express our emotions and feel better.  Reading them with your child provides an opportunity and vocabulary to talk about their emotions.

Emotions can feel overwhelming to little people who don’t know what they are or that it is normal to have them.  In fact, they are overwhelming to many adults, too, especially when they’ve never had anyone help them understand and appreciate emotions.  

The good news is that we can help each other and help our children improve our understanding of our emotions.  We can start by asking ourselves these questions:

What is my relationship with my emotions?

Do I find myself judging my feelings, or the feelings of others, instead of seeing them as valuable information?

How can I cultivate a practice of learning from my emotions?

 

As my clients heal and learn to live from the strength and wisdom inside of them, I am overjoyed to see how their experience of their lives improves.  Here are just a few of the common improvements I notice: 

An increase in energy and motivation.  Once we process through hurtful experiences and learn to be kind to ourselves, it is amazing how much more energy we have.  When you are burdened with negative thoughts, it can take a lot of your energy just to get through the day.  Once this energy is freed up, people are often surprised at how much more motivated they feel. 

An increase in hope.  Instead of feeling worried or scared about their abilities and their future, people start feeling excited about what is possible for them.  Many discover callings and interests they never even knew were there!

An increase in positive and pro-active actions.  Often clients come to me when they are worried that they are operating from a place of anger, sadness, or “stuckness”.   Sometimes they report feeling as if their reactions seem “too big” for the situations in which they occur.  For example, sometimes people tell me that even a small comment from someone can make them feel very angry or very rejected and they feel unable to free themselves from these feelings.  This is an important sign that some healing needs to take place.  Once people heal and learn to draw upon their inner resources, they are able to stop being reactive and have the energy and insight to proactively create the life they truly desire.  

An increase in confidence.  When people first come to coaching, they often feel a sense of hopelessness in their abilities to be who they want to be or to live the lives they want to live.  As they gain tools and practice new ways of operating in sessions and between sessions, they begin to see that they can handle whatever comes their way.  They begin to live with a sense of purpose and peace that can only come from a deep connection to their inner strength and resources.  I am continually awed by what people create when they live in this way!

Yes, people are truly amazing.  This includes YOU.

If you are longing for these kinds of changes in your life, be assured that they are absolutely possible for you!  There are resources inside of you that can help you navigate your life in a hopeful and inspired way.  You just need some tools and some support to help you get there. 

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Our bodies are powerful indicators of our emotional needs.  We may find ourselves feeling ill or tired and think we are just catching another cold.  But actually, our bodies are constantly sending us indicators of our emotional and spiritual health.

For example, I recently worked with someone who had a chronic sinus infection.  She was very tired of struggling with it and couldn’t figure out how to get rid of it.  As she reflected on her current emotional state, she realized she was keeping her mind full of worries---about her self, her family, and the world.  She had the revelation that she was keeping her head too full of “junk”.  As soon as she realized this and worked to change those worries into calmer, more positive thoughts, her sinus infection began to heal. 

Another example of our physical selves sending us a message is when we experience illnesses or injuries that prevent us from being able to function at our full capacity.  At first this may feel like a loss, a defeat, or a frustration.  But often in hindsight we realize that having a physical limitation allowed us to grow emotionally in ways we otherwise would not.  When someone in my family experienced a serious and chronic illness, it brought all of us a great deal of heartache and suffering.  But it also taught us to appreciate each moment, to value each other more deeply, and to develop patience and generosity in new ways within ourselves.  These changes helped all of us grow and heal in ways we never imagined were possible.

Sometimes a health-related symptom makes us take notice and try to find the source.  We may find an answer fairly quickly or we may have to really work to find that answer.  For example, sometimes I work with people who are feeling fatigued and can’t figure out why.  They may have tried sleeping more, improving their nutrition, and asking for more help, but still the fatigue seems to remain.  When we examine this more closely, we often discover that there is an unmet need or worry that is draining one’s energy.  It may be that the real remedy for the fatigue is to learn to quiet one’s mind regularly or to work on healing some emotional wounds.  When less of our energy is being taken up with worries or coping with old wounds, we have more energy to enjoy our lives and focus on what’s most important. 

So, what is your body telling you?

How are you feeling lately?

What do you need?

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What does the idea of "spiritual recuperation" mean to you?

During the month of March, I'll be observing the Baha'i Fast along with millions of other Baha'is around the world.  It is a very special time.  This quotation from the Baha'i Writings describes the purpose of the Fast so beautifully:

"It is essentially a period of meditation and prayer, of spiritual recuperation, during which the believer must strive to make the necessary readjustments in his inner life, and to refresh and reinvigorate the spiritual forces latent in his soul. Its significance and purpose are, therefore, fundamentally spiritual in character. Fasting is symbolic, and a reminder of abstinence from selfish and carnal desires." (Shoghi Effendi)

I am so fascinated by the idea of "spiritual recuperation" and how we can "reinvigorate the spiritual forces latent" within our souls.  These concepts seem to allude to a capacity within all of us to refresh ourselves, to shift focus in a powerful way, and to heal.  Who among us doesn't need some spiritual recuperation?   

Each Fast that I observe helps me understand more about these concepts, but I know I will strive my whole life to learn more about them.   Having a sustained period of increased attention to my spiritual life, to my choices, and to prayer and meditation is a truly powerful experience each year.

Whether or not you observe the Baha'i Fast, I challenge you to take some time to journal about what spiritual recuperation you need and how you might go about moving toward this recuperation.  It may bring you some new and powerful ideas for the next steps on your personal path, and for the service you give to your community!

The term “life coach” is fraught with many connotations---some positive and some not so positive. 

I often use the term to describe my work because I find that, at present, it is the fastest way to give most people a sense of what I do. (For example, if I describe myself as a “coach” or “personal coach” people often think I mean that I’m a personal trainer.)

I think that some people have a negative reaction to the term because it gives them a mental picture of a person who thinks they know more about life than other people do and can improve people’s lives by imposing their “wisdom” on others. 

A life coach like that would offend me, too. I mean, thinking that one knows more about life than other people is presumptuous, arrogant, and just plain incorrect.

When I say I am a life coach, I mean that my work is about supporting my clients in examining each area of their lives, identifying their goals, and bringing more meaning and fulfillment into their lives. 

I am very clear that I am not an expert on my clients or on anyone.  You are the expert on you.  My expertise is in facilitating a self-discovery process that helps you reflect, grow, and learn.

In fact, the reason I became a coach is because I am endlessly fascinated and awed by the unique strength and purpose each person has inside.  I don’t think it is possible to do this work unless you have a sense of reverence about each person’s knowledge, capacities, and experiences.

I learn so much about life from each of my clients and I know that it is their insights, their actions, and their hard work that helps them achieve the healing and growth they desire.  

I am like a facilitator, a guide, and an ally to help them reflect on their path.  And I am infinitely humbled and feel deeply blessed each time I talk with each of my clients. 

This life is such a precious opportunity and it is an honor to support people as they strive to make the most of it.   

This is what I mean when I say that I am a life coach.  

Watching my baby boy discover the world is a constant reminder of one of the most powerful tools for personal growth that we are all born with: curiosity.  Curiosity implies an eagerness to explore and learn. 

Learning to apply a sense of compassionate curiosity to yourself and to your relationships can be truly transformative.  I’ve written before about how most people tend to be quite harsh with themselves.  This can be very harmful and lead to feeling sad, depressed, stuck, or angry. 

Instead of being harsh or judgmental with yourself, practice being curious.  For example, if you are feeling bad about a mistake you made, instead of harshly judging yourself and thinking, “Ugh, I am such a loser, why did I do that?!?”, practice saying, “Hmmm.  So that wasn’t my best moment, but I am curious about what led me to make that choice?  How can I support myself in making a different choice next time?  How can I move on from this episode in a way that feels healing for me?” 

This kind of thinking doesn't come naturally to most of us. We have to practice it and truly work on cultivating a habit of being compassionately curious about our lives, our choices, and our needs.  Creating this kind of “environment” within one’s self is a revolutionary change for most people.  It helps them feel lighter, able to make changes, and able to be kind to themselves and to others more easily.  It is as if a huge weight has been lifted from their shoulders and they feel free to enjoy their lives and the people in it.

We can also apply compassionate curiosity to our relationships.  Instead of jumping to judge our partner for a choice he or she has made, we can stop ourselves and get curious.  What are some possible reasons he or she might have made this choice?  Often when we jump to conclusions about others we are harsher than we want to be, and we regret it later.  If we can practice really listening to and learning from others, we can create a very unifying, safe, loving “environment” in our relationships and families. 

Here are a couple of exercises to practice sharpening your curiosity skills. 

Take something you like, such as a favorite song, and spend a few minutes enjoying it.  Then practice asking curious questions about it.  For example, you might listen to your favorite song and ask the following questions:

“What is this song about?”

“I wonder what the songwriter was going though when she wrote this?”

“I wonder what the recording process was like?”

“I wonder what other listeners think of this song and if there are other people who feel the same way about it that I do?”

See how many curious questions and thoughts you can come up with! 

 

Next, practice being curious with your partner or a friend.  Ask them about their day and get really curious about it.  You might ask:

“How was your day today?”

“What was the best thing you experienced today?”

“What was the toughest moment?”

“What was that like for you?”

“How do you feel now?”

(This is a very fun exercise.  We all love to feel that people are truly interested in us!)

 

I create a compassionate and curious environment with my clients in each coaching session.  It gives clients a chance to really experience how this feels and develop the ability to create this environment within themselves and with others.  Have you ever experienced a truly compassionate and curious environment?

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It is Thanksgiving time here in the United States and many people are thinking about what they are most grateful for in their lives.  Having a focus on gratitude tends to bring people together, help us feel happier, and even give us new ideas for how we can do more with what we’ve been given.  That is powerful! 

What would it be like to bring a sense of gratitude to your life on a regular basis? 

It is relatively easy (and important) to think about why we are grateful for the people we love, the things that bring us comfort and security, the experiences that are meaningful and joyful.   

It is more difficult, but just as important, to learn to be grateful for the difficult things in our lives. In hindsight, we can often say that we are grateful to have experienced a difficulty because it helped us learn and grow.  But since we know that life is a pattern of ups and downs, crises and victories, we could actually decide to be grateful for all that comes our way, knowing that we will one day look on our current challenges as opportunities.
 

How would having a lens of gratitude for everything in your life change your experience of your life?

Here is a way to practice being grateful for even the most difficult things in our lives:  

Think of something you don’t like, and then practice thinking why that thing can actually be a source of good.  For example, a relative with whom you have conflicts could actually be giving you an opportunity to grow by behaving in a different way or seeing things from a different perspective.  An injury or health problem may give you the chance to slow down and appreciate things you’ve been missing.  An ending could signal a chance to begin something new and meaningful. 

 
Why are you grateful for the current people and circumstances in your life----the joyful and the difficult?

Wishing you lots of gratitude and joy this Thanksgiving!

To some degree we all care about what other people think of us.  In moderation, this can be a good thing.  It enables us to connect with others and be respectful of others’ needs and ideas.   

But many of us, especially many women (myself included---I’ve had to work on this in my life), find ourselves caring too much about what other people think of us.  We want other people to like us and find ourselves spending an inordinate amount of time and energy thinking about it and acting out of this desire.  Sometimes we live for years not realizing just how much time and energy we are spending on what other people think about us.  Sometimes we are aware that we care too much about what other people think, but we don’t know how to stop. 

The reason that it is so dangerous to care too much about what others think is that it puts us in the control of others.  When others’ opinions of us become our guiding motivation, we can allow their perceptions of us to shape what we do and how we feel.  If we aren’t careful and aware, this can lead to us living lives that we don’t really want.  The things we think we are choosing, are actually things we think others want us to be, and many of our choices go unexamined by us. When our main goal is to have others like us, we can’t think as fully or critically about our choices and we can’t fully explore the path we are meant to live.   

This is sad because you have a true self that has a unique purpose and perspective and a unique way to be of service in the world.  If you don’t operate from that, you aren’t fulfilling your purpose.  What a loss!  We only get one life, and the moments go quickly. It is sad to look back in later years and realize there were many years when you didn’t live as consciously as you could.

And if others around us want unhealthy things for us, and we want them to like us, we may end up doing things that are very unhealthy for us.  This can have short-term and long-term consequences.  You’ve been entrusted with this life, and you are the only one who can live it the way you are meant to. 

So how do you stop?  Start by acknowledging how deeply you want others to like you and ask yourself why this is so important to you.  Maybe you discover that you have a deep fear of being alone.  Maybe you find that thinking about others helps you avoid thinking about something painful from your past. Maybe it is something else. But once you are aware of the need or hurt that is fueling your desire to please others, you can start to heal that hurt and meet that need in a healthy, lasting way. 

Then examine what it is costing you to live your life according to what other people think.  What are you missing out on by living this way?  How would your life be different if you lived according to your own inner compass, your own needs, your own dreams?

I regularly help my clients discover why they want others to like them so deeply. I help them to heal and live from a place of strength so that they can fulfill their purpose in life.  Contact me if you are ready to make a change!

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Most people would love to hire a personal coach, but don’t take action because they fear that it is too expensive for them.  I definitely understand the need to maintain a budget, but I always feel really sad when people allow this be a barrier to coaching.

Coaching is not free, but it is one of the most powerful investments you can make.  When you invest in coaching, your dividend will be insights and skills that will transform your life now AND in the future.   

As a coach, my goal is to give my clients a life-long “tool kit” to help them solve problems that arise in their lives, live from their strongest selves, and continually create the lives they long to live.  In other words, I help them develop the skills and habits that help them to be their own coaches.   

And in every situation, these skills and insights not only improve my clients’ lives, but the lives of their spouses, children, families, and everyone else around them.  When you hire a coach, you are choosing to improve your life and in doing so, you improve your relationships and inspire others to improve their lives as well.  It is a powerful process!

My clients often say to me, “I just wish I’d done this sooner!  I can only imagine what I would have been able to do if I’d had this experience earlier in life.”

Ask yourself these questions:

What is the biggest question in my heart?

What is troubling me the most? 

What do I need but can’t seem to get?

 

Now, ask yourself:

If I could go through a process to gain the insights, skills, and tools I need to answer these questions, how would my life be different? 

What would be possible for me that isn’t possible now? 

What is the cost of inaction?

 

After meditating on these questions, you may find yourself wondering: 

Can I really afford NOT to hire a coach?

When you are ready, contact me.  You’ve got this one precious life to live, so let’s get to it!